literature

A Brand New Place

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Literature Text

He looked up at the silver film between above and water, in the place where it distorted with the flow from the river. He cut through the brackish tide to the edge of the world where he could grip the rock and see the place above. Safe from his mother’s cautionary glances he poked at the water’s end and found no resistance. A strange heat came over his skin, and he pulled his hand back. Something moved above the water. He jumped back and trunks came crashing into the sea. They popped in and out until they floundered, and a face uncannily like his own crashed into the water. It was missing the fluff of gills around its jaw, and had instead a strange mat of fuzz on its crown. It opened its eyes and let out a blub before thrusting its entire head above. Muffled, noise came through the ocean. More trunks and another face burst into the water.

The two creatures stood curiously in the sea, with two appendages planted onto the floor, with their top halves above. He heard them chatter without understanding. Then they both plunged back into his world.

They pointed, and he made a sign of greeting. Disappearing above again, they made more sounds and came back. The second one’s crown had longer fuzz, and he reached out to touch it. At first, it recoiled, but then it reached out its own hand. It was soft, and its skin reminded him of sea cucumbers. It squished in a way he would never. It ran its hands over the scale of his arms and he shuddered a little as they were rubbed the wrong way.

Both the creatures popped above again. They beckoned him into the shallower water that made him flatten out with its heat. When he just had room to crawl along the sea floor they both sat with a splash. One of them lay down, pointed at him, and motioned going above. It sat up and chattered with the other, who copied the motion.

He looked up. Poking the tip of his face above, he recoiled. The creatures called out encouragement and he tried again. Above was hazy, and he tried to blink it away. A growing tightness in his chest made him dizzy and he fell below the water. When he recovered, he tried again. His first impression of the others in their own world was blurry. Focusing, he could make out the movement of their bodies, a swift tightening and expansion, which he didn’t understand. He touched one of their arms above, and felt the absence of water. Their softness was replaced with something new; clammy to the touch, they grasped his hands.

Then they laughed. It was the first sound he recognised and he joined them. He grasped their hands back, and fell back into the ocean. Still laughing as they hauled him up again in a shower of spray, he let them lead him up. Dizzy again, he tried to pull down, but they resisted, swinging him higher. He made a sound different from laughter, but they didn’t notice. Spray fell on his gills, almost helping. They swung him again, laughing. He pulled against them, and laughing they resisted to swing him even further. The world spun and his vision snapped into focus for one last second. The creature’s strange little teeth showed behind their upturned lips, and his world went dark.
for FFM!

I am falling rather behind in all of this. Oh dear.
© 2013 - 2024 Goldfish-In-Space
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DailyBreadCafe's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Hey!
Noticed you have a piece that i've never commented on so thought i'd take a look.

This is interesting and well written, but i wasn't really sure what the creatures were really. Are they real animals, or are we in another world? I was trying to picture it in my mind but i couldn't quite get it. I'm not sure whether that's because I'm actually quite tired at the moment, or whether it's because the description wasn't quite clear enough. I'll probably go with a bit of both, since i don't knw if i'm picturing real animals or aliens.

I'd like to see this developed. The piece flows well, but there isn't much in the way of tension or story, but i feel that it's something that could be easily developed into something longer and with more of a story line.

Apart from that, this is well written. Well done!