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About Literature / Artist Premium Member AlexCanada Group :iconprojecteducate: projecteducate
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Here's what I've been up to "lately".

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This is gorgeous. This piece really captures the mischief-logic of kids, and I love that. Sometimes people (even in nonfiction) manage ...

Sometimes I try to give constructive advice.

I usually accomplish being a jerk. A jerk with jargon.

Uhg, even worse.

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evermore
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Goldfish-In-Space
Alex
Artist | Literature
Canada
Warning: "I-Statements" ahead!

I try to make up for my lack of genuine genius with a lot of obsessive work on my writing. I think it's turning out to be a pretty good plan so far. I tend to think anything that lets me sit hunched over my computer chain tea-drinking as the sun beams down outside is pretty good.

I will critique any writing, you just have to ask me!
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I thought I could escape facebook here, but I was wrong.

She threw the cream cheese away, even though it was ‘lite’. She had read about what was in dairy, and she knew that even if it was low fat it was impure. For a day she wondered if organic cream cheese would be okay, but the list of unsafe food grew and travelled from the shelves of her fridge into the dumpster. There was nothing to put on her celery anymore so she just ate it raw and alone.

Later she bought apples, cucumbers and kale for her juice fast. One website said to put a lime peel and all into the juicer to help make green juice palatable, but she couldn’t find an organic lime so she didn’t buy one. She didn’t care what the juice tasted like; she just wanted to detox. Fat carried toxins. It trapped them in her body and the juice fast would help her get rid of them.

She pinched the front of her hip and held back tears. The fat was toxic. It wasn’t working. She decided to make it a five day fast instead of a three day one. On day five, she went for a run.

Matcha tea powder left a film on her juice glass. She cut out the apples from the juice because the sugars helped her body hold onto the toxic fat that she needed to get rid of. Celery, cucumber, kale, with matcha tea powder. She ate the celery strings because a website told her she needed to have fiber to process the detoxifying minerals in the juice.

Fast day ten, she ate an entire loaf of bread and cried herself to sleep.

Cutting off the toxic fat wasn’t healthy she wouldn’t cut it off even if it was toxic.

She needed to cut back, and force her body to let go. A website told her that it took more calories to digest celery than celery had in it. Celery was minerals, water and fiber. It was pure enough to help her. It would help her. She tied a shirt around herself and filled her fridge with celery. Peeling back the strings to eat first, she got started.

School is incredibly overwhelming, even though this is 'going back' to university after just a year break. It's week three (or four? some kind of transition happens at the end of each week and it's very confusing) and I feel like I'm failing everything, especially the online course because there's no space for me to actually get a feel for the material through my prof. Also the course schedule is confusing.

Correspondence is probably not for me. I don't think I'll do it again unless I have to.

Expect blood and tears to break the silence at some point and basically fuck this.
The traffic lulled her to sleep as it echoes off the concrete like the ocean. Except the buses. Fuck those things. Every forty-five minutes one would roar by and shake her back into a wakefulness she didn't want. Consciousness was cold and smelled like unwashed blankets. They might have had fleas in them, or bedbugs or something, because the tiny welts on her skin itched in forty-five minute intervals.

There had been no money in ages-- or food. Tramps had stopped trying to trade those things for sex; there wasn't enough left of her to trade. Her recollections of the times food or money had been important and scarce enough to to barter for were interrupted by another bus. She shivered, even though the leaves were still green on the trees.

"Fuckin... transit" she said to herself.

In the wake of the motor's scream, someone stirred on the walkway to her nest. Someone with a flashlight in the dusk.

"You can't sleep here."

The woman's jacket was blue, and the stripe of yellow running down the sides of her pants reflected the light off the concrete.

"Why not?"

"You can't sleep here," said the cop, "you need to move on."

"Well... yeah" she said.

She closed her eyes and waited for the sound of the next bus.
A Troll Passes
Seems vapid, now that I've slept on it.

Will put it through more revisions later.
Loading...
I've always loved La Belle Dame Sans Merci, and I love the way this poem treats the subject. The idea of the victim knowing about his own victim-hood is an interesting twist.

The one thing I think it's missing is a struggle against her. He does at one point think that "he would not die like them", but then he sees La Belle Dame and gives in immediately. I think there needs to be a little bit more surrounding that concept; either a struggle or a more marked lack of struggle. "Struggle" here doesn't really mean physically. Just resistance.

Another thing that might merit a line is why he is venturing out. The path was his 'quickest means' and then he knows the 'cost of his road', but nothing it outright said about his goals. As far as I can gather he is seeking out La Belle Dame, but that makes the lack of struggle even stranger. Why seek monsters if you don't mean to defeat them? I don't get the impression he has a deathwish so it's another detail that pauses me while reading.

I wish I could talk more about the actual technique of poetry, but I'm such a novice I feel like I'd be doing more harm than good, there. All I can say is that no lines stuck out in a bad way, and I like the general aesthetic of the poem.

My favourite part is the sequence where he sees her and she speaks gently, while lying straight faced through the teeth. "Umber eyes" and "can you carry me away?" make me really happy for some reason.

Excellent work here!

Do you notice a difference in your writing depending on if you use paper or write digitally? 

73%
8 deviants said Yes.
27%
3 deviants said No.
0%
No deviants said I only use paper.
0%
No deviants said I only type.
School is incredibly overwhelming, even though this is 'going back' to university after just a year break. It's week three (or four? some kind of transition happens at the end of each week and it's very confusing) and I feel like I'm failing everything, especially the online course because there's no space for me to actually get a feel for the material through my prof. Also the course schedule is confusing.

Correspondence is probably not for me. I don't think I'll do it again unless I have to.

Expect blood and tears to break the silence at some point and basically fuck this.

Comments


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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the :+fav:, love! :iconsupertighthugplz:
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014   Writer
no problem
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014
Thank you for the recent fave! :ahoy:
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:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014   Writer
no problem
Reply
:iconw0rld-eater:
W0RLD-EATER Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:jsenn:
    Your writing is yes.
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014   Writer
Thanks!
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:iconw0rld-eater:
W0RLD-EATER Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:jsenn:
    You're welcome.~~:heart:
Reply
:iconsilversongwriter:
silversongwriter Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
thx 4 watch
Reply
:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014   Writer
This is embarrassing, but I was poking around and my touch screen went a little wonky. I'm not actually watching you. Sorry. :( (Sad) 
Reply
:iconsilversongwriter:
silversongwriter Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014
Well I'm a great musician, so consider it a plus
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:iconevermore:
evermore Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Student Writer
I don't think we get to decide our own greatness. Greatness is defined by what is built on our work well after we're gone. Only the fortunate see greatness in their lifetime.
Reply
:iconrhetoricism:
Rhetoricism Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014   Writer
I challenge you to start a critique without using the words "This is"! Also hello there, how goeth life? 
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:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014   Writer
DEAL. I just need something to critique, now. Feel free to help me out there.

Hello! Life goes. I have been working so much that I haven't really been finishing anything writing related. Also who knew commercial fishing vessels were so against having blueprints on the internet? How am I supposed to know what they do on the inside? I can't keep basing these things off of Haven. I did finish reading Embassytown by China Mieville the other day though. IT WAS FANTASTIC.

How's things for you? What are you reading?
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:iconrhetoricism:
Rhetoricism Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014   Writer
Anything by SgtPossum should be an interesting read: this fav.me/d6v8x0r might be something to look at :3 

I've never really considered commercial fishing blueprints, but you know what can be a pain? Working out the schematics for a country-sized skyscraper. Absolutely maddening. There's not enough non-complicated engineering data out there. I don't want to take a degree in civil engineering, I want to know if it's feasible to turn the Vatican State into a skyscraper! *flails wildly* 

Life is hectic, as usual. Moving down-country soon, next few weeks. Leaving my tropical lair behind me, sadface sadface. 
Plowing through the final chapter of The Talisman by Straub/King. It's a heck of a read. 
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:icongoldfish-in-space:
Goldfish-In-Space Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014   Writer
I wish I had a tropical lair. I wish I could wear a sarong all year round and have little lizards on my wall instead of little spiders. Or conduct a lizard and spider war on my wall. Or that.

Now I'm thinking about being woken up by a bird eating spider and I might like my temperate climate again.

Slightly more relevant; if you can bullshit your way through the weight distribution and stability issues I think you can probably make any superstructure convincing. I mean, they put Great Britain on top of a space-whale in doctor who. That was a good episode. That was a convincing episode. I mean, what about the crazy new space metal (not unobtanium because that's awful) that has all these science-fiction properties like being the best alloy ever in partnership with aluminum. Make sure it's a cheap and plentiful metal that it's good with. Something on meteorites, maybe. Lets get freaky with the periodic table of elements. We're making shit up as we go along like incredibly less scientifically informed Isaac Asimovs.

I kind of took a gamble in assuming the genre here was sci-fi. I need boat blueprints for way less exciting genre problems, but turning the Vatican into a skyscraper has a distinctively sci-fi feel to it. I'm assuming you're not secretly Dan Brown.
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